MADISON, WI- Archaeologists from the University of Wisconsin (UW) today presented the earliest known evidence of Douchebags in what is now Milwaukee County. A team of UW archaeologists working on Jones Island discovered the 500-year old body of an indigenous man who died suddenly. The man, estimated to be in his early 20’s, was wearing a scarf and several ornate necklaces. He was found near a small dwelling built directly on the shoreline.
WNT spoke to Professor John Daleiden, who led the excavation. “The man’s attire, and the smug facial expression preserved at the time of death, demonstrate that this man was a douchebag of considerable means. We had an immediate sense of what an ass-hat he must have been. He was clearly someone who killed the vibe for decent residents of his community. This discovery proves that assholes were fucking up Milwaukee for decent people, long before white settlers started fucking it up.”
The Madison-based team is continuing their excavation. They hope they will find more evidence of ancient douche culture as they move closer to the Third Ward.