MILWAUKEE, WI- The race to be Mayor of Milwaukee heats up after a unanimous city council vote declares the winner will be decided through a no-holds-barred cage match. As of today, six total candidates have filed the necessary paperwork and validated signatures to throw down in the historic pay-per-view event:
Milwaukee Alderwoman Marina “The Black Widow” Dimitrijevic
Former Milwaukee Alderman “The Urge” Bob Donovan
Acting Milwaukee Mayor Cavalier “Cavalier Johson” Johnson
Milwaukee County Sheriff Earnell “Swift Justice” Lucas
Businessman Michael “Beans-Man” Sampson
State Sen. Lena “Crisis-Mode” Taylor
Local political analyst Ralph Regis filled us in on what to expect from the municipal meat locker. “It’s really tough to say. There are sure to be many confounding factors – historically speaking, the belt has favored those who make it to the chairs first. But again, this is no ordinary Sunday Super-Slam; this is a high profile no-holds-barred-rage-in-the-cage-ultra-match available by pay-per-view on the wrestling channel, February 15th at 9pmEST/8pmCST.”
Regardless of outcome, this Mayoral Rumble is sure to end in carnage.
In addition to the mayorship, a high stakes winner-takes-all grand prize has been introduced following a generous donation from the “Make a Wish Foundation.” The victor will earn one 6-pack of Schlitz, as well as bragging rights for one full calendar year.