Mattel’s New Barney “Extremely Fuckable”

The 90’s icon of Childhood media, Barney is getting a bold new makeover. Mattel Inc says “comprehensive revitalization of the Barney brand” is “coming in hot” to deliver not only smiles to your oblivious children, but big smiles for mommies around the world. “We are just so excited to share our new, extremely confident, Barney with the world.” Quipped one executive over a generous neat pour at the reveal party.

“Seriously though, he looks deep into your eyes and you know he gets you. He really sees you. The kids love him too, but they don’t get it, thank god.” He continued while finishing his drink.

In addition to the reboot of the beloved television series, Mattel announced a feature film, extra YouTube content, music, toys, books and an exclusive partnership with Bad Dragon ® which they are calling “Barney’s big purple adventure” which will be sold exclusively through adult distributors.

Eugene Haxta Reporting