Abortion Access Restored, Chads of Wisconsin Rejoice

MILWAUKEE – Much to the delight of the state’s Chad population, the state of Wisconsin has restored women’s rights to abortion care services. Chads, with their perfectly sculpted muscles, chiseled jawlines, testosterone supplements, and alpha confidence, are now celebrating what they perceive as a victory for their reproductive rights.

The decision to reinstate abortion care services has left these Chads feeling like real men again, as they believe that access to safe and legal abortion is an essential part of their lives. “Bro, I finally don’t have to pull out anymore!” exclaimed Dylan Thunderbolt, a self-proclaimed alpha male and leader of the Chad Liberation Front. “My brothers and I can exercise our right to choose without any consequences to us…this has been a long time coming.”

Since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade in June of 2022, trash men across Wisconsin have lived in fear of accidental pregnancies derailing their misogynistic lifestyles. They have long argued that their pursuit of pleasure and hedonism should never be hindered by the burden of fatherhood. “We’ve been oppressed for far too long,” declared Cody McSwagger, a renowned men’s rights activist. “Now, we can finally have control over our own bodies, and, more importantly, we can violate women’s bodies without fear of having to pay child support.”

Planned Parenthood’s lawsuit victory this week sent a wave of relief and celebration among Chads, who have been known to frequent gyms, tanning salons, and clubs. “Now I can finally take off the condom and experience true freedom,” proclaimed Bryce Flexington, “I don’t have to worry about the consequences of my actions anymore. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my perfectly sculpted shoulders.” Flexington stated he was looking forward to going to the bars this weekend to exercise his freedom: “After all, what are women’s rights for, if not to benefit men?”