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Milwaukee Mayor Signs Citywide “No Homo” Proclamation

MILWAUKEE — Under pressure to address the city’s growing curiosity, Mayor Cavalier Johnson today signed a ‘No Homo’ proclamation to celebrate Pride month. Flanked by staff and local LGBTQ activists, Johnson urged Milwaukeeans to get a real feel for themselves — and, perhaps, consenting others.   

The proclamation allows any Milwaukee city resident to experiment sexually in the month of June without amending their sexual preference on social media.

““This is a great day for Milwaukee,” Mayor Johnson told WNT. “As we celebrate Pride month, all our citizens can be truly free to participate and support the LGBTQ community through sexual experimentation.” 

Through this proclamation, citizens may participate in homoerotic activities and  experiences without permanently modifying or amending their heterosexual status. The proclamation was later revised to clarify that both top and bottom experiences are covered.

WNT interviewed several fraternity brothers on the Marquette Campus who were pleased with the Mayor’s action. “My bros and I are pumped for this,” Senior John Kane told WNT. “We’ve installed glory holes in our bathrooms and we’ve stocked the beer fridge with White Claw. We’re finally free to participate in Pride month without the hassle of changing our sexual identity or remembering to record RuPaul’s Drag Race.”

The City of Milwaukee is also partnering with local businesses to offer curious residents a taste of the gay lifestyle. The Wisconsin Athletic Club is offering 50% off memberships and pants throughout the month of June, while Safehouse will temporarily rebrand as Safeplace.  

No lesbians were available for questioning as they all went hiking in Devil’s Lake. 

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