DELAVAN — For years, paranormal enthusiasts have speculated that we are not alone. The number of credible U.F.O. sightings seemingly declined in the early 2000s with the rise of social media and smartphone usage. More recently, reports of strange lights, fireballs, and other unexplained events have increased tremendously — such that NASA was forced to address the matter earlier this week. So, are we truly alone? One Wisconsin man says no.
“We’re definitely not alone,” says Ernest Boehner of Delavan. “They’re here, and they’re horny.”
Boehner, 46, provided Wisconsin News Today with nearly 200 pages of screenshots showing conversations between the middle-aged father of two and his extraterrestrial paramour.
“Sheryl has been my rock. She’s the love of my life,” says Boehner. “We’re still in that ‘getting to know you,’ lovey-dovey phase, but I know it’s true love. And I’ve never come so hard in my life.”
Sheryl — whose alien name would rupture every eardrum in a six mile radius if spoken aloud because the frequency exceeds the limits of human tolerance — has not met Boehner in person yet.
“She’s been working really hard,” asserts the enamored dad. “Those crop circles and abductions require so much paperwork, there’s so much red tape. Even space aliens reckon with bureaucracy. So for now she just rocks my world with words.”
Most of the text messages are so graphic, WNT would be censured by the FCC — so we asked Mr. Boehner to give us some insight into the nature of their relationship.
“It’s been really hard to make a connection with someone on this planet, so when someone tells you they want to let their six prehensile nipples pull your hair back as they hold your mouth open and insert their massive, leathery proboscis into your throat so they can get as close to your heart as possible — you just know it’s the real thing. It’s true love.”
Boehner points to excerpts of the texts where Sheryl playfully threatens to milk his dick like an industrial dairy farm and slaughter him when his frail, sunken body is no longer of use to her. “She’s so precious,” Boehner laughs.
Many of Boehner’s friends and family are concerned, citing fears that Sheryl may be planning to use him as a host and inhabit his body as part of some sort of hostile takeover.
A family friend that wished to remain anonymous told WNT that “Ernie is already starting to act like a shell of a human being. He doesn’t engage in any of his hobbies anymore. All he does after work is jerk off and eat protein bars to keep up his energy to continue jerking off.”
While they recognize his recent behavior has escalated, sons Frank and Derek are divided on the matter.
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to hang out with friends or bring a girl over when your father is having weird, howling orgasms in the next room?” asks Derek, 19. “The sexting is bad enough but the voice messages are just fucking horrifying. And I don’t know if this is related, but all of a sudden we are running out of socks and conditioner, like, all the time.”
Frank, 22, disagrees. “It’s been hard on dad since Mom left. If Sheryl’s bizarre moans of pleasure that sound like metal ripping apart mixed with a zoo animal orgy are what get him off, I say let him,” insists Frank. “Sure, I’d love for him to date a human woman, but it is what it is.”
Boehner expects to tie the knot in June 2024.
Mary Sweeney reporting.