Milwaukee Breaks Guinness World Record for Most Festivals Per Square Inch
MILWAUKEE – The City of Festivals has managed to shatter all expectations and secure a brand new Guinness World Record. The most festivals per square inch! Leaving experts wondering if anyone actually lives in the city outside of the never-ending festival extravaganza.
Mayor Cavalier Johnson announced a new festival to celebrate this great achievement. “Fest Fest” will be a week-long celebration with music, rides, dancing, and unicycling sausages.
“We did it! We have officially entered the realm of perpetual celebration,” said Mayor Johnson, wearing a rainbow-colored top hat that shot out fireworks and confetti on command. “Who needs a dull, festival-less existence when you can live in Milwaukee, the true land of endless revelry?”
Experts from the Institute of Festivalology, a newly created academic institution devoted entirely to studying festivals, were brought in to investigate the unprecedented phenomenon. They conducted a thorough study of the city and confirmed that Milwaukee, indeed, boasts a staggering festival density of 157 festivals per square inch. To put that into perspective, every square inch of Milwaukee is now equivalent to attending a Kid Rock concert while juggling flaming mozzarella sticks on an ostrich.
Plans are underway to create “Festival-Free Zones” where residents can experience moments of quiet solitude and contemplate the existence of a world beyond confetti cannons and deep-fried festival food.
