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Climate Change Threatens Milwaukee’s Already Shallow Dating Pool

MILWAUKEE,WI- The climate crisis is now not only affecting ecological systems and food supply– it is now threatening to deplete the Milwaukee dating pool, which was already at dangerously low levels.

“It’s gotten pretty bad out there,” says Aiden Jockowski of Farwell Ave. “Even the heifers and the skanks are drying up.”

Marquette senior Madison Kellerbright agrees. “Used to be you could chase, what, four or five dicks a night.” She looks off wistfully, remembering better times. “Now, you can barely get laid. How do you put dick on the table nowadays?”

Many blame the dating climate crisis on the growing popularity of electric cars. 

“Look, we all know bitches dig money,” says renown playa Keith Oananer of the South Side. “But if you just want a quick nooner in the back seat with a Webb’s waitress, you need a goddamn Tesla these days! Who can afford that? Ever try to fuck in a Nissan Leaf? Good luck with that!”

Even self-pleasuring is under threat due to antiquated power grids, especially in Bay View west of Howell. “You get one big storm, and the power is out for days, ,”  says MPS schoolteacher Olive Stokebrander. “I just got this Hitachi Magic Wand that plugs in! What, now I have to get the cordless one? It’s insanity I tell you!”

Wisconsin News Today has reached out to Mayor Cavalier Johnson’s office for comment regarding the looming crisis. He still refuses to take our calls.

By JB Saltiginger

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