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Festival Foods Told To Cut Back On Partying After 6th OWI, Rebrand As “Get-Together Foods”

DE PERE – Festival Foods fought for their right to party this week but ultimately got kicked out at closing time when a Wisconsin court ruled that the grocery store company had to change their name following six OWI citations. 

Earlier this week, the De Pere Festival Foods blew a 2.6 after toppling over onto Lawrence Drive by the Park & Ride. No injuries were reported. Officers responding to the scene reported that the store was found face down in a pile of expired Festy burger patties yelling “It’s Dollar Days, bitch! Come at me, Pick N Save!” before falling asleep and urinating themselves. 

After last year’s Wisconsin Supreme Court ruling which stated that companies are indeed people, but also that different locations of the same company are effectively still one company – it complicated matters for the Festival situation. 

Once the DePere location received their OWI last week, case managers realized the company had not one but six offenses against them. The Oshkosh location has two priors, while Kenosha, Baraboo, and Racine all have one OWI each. 

Setting a historic legal precedent, prosecutors begged the court to change the grocery company’s business name – insisting that its hard-partying, bad boy image was not only influencing area youth, but posing a threat to nearby architecture. 

“Today it’s the Park N Ride. Tomorrow it’s the bowling alley. Then, what’s stopping Festival from getting drunk and crashing into my home?” argued prosecutor Frank Bachman. “We’re not saying never have a sixer with your boys, we’re saying maybe don’t chug a bottle of Kessler like it’s one of the big SmartWaters. You almost crushed a tour bus full of senior citizens heading up to Oneida.”

The defense was quick to dismiss concerns. “Everyone loves Festival. Have you had our sheet cake? Magnificent. Find a better store-bought cake. I dare you,” snapped Richard Garvey, attorney for the defendants. “Does any other store have fun quotes on the aisle signs? Who else has a Tot Spot? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Mic drop.” 

The brazen confidence was not received well by Judge Carole Manderfield, who quickly ordered Festival Foods to set in motion plans to legally change the business name to Small Get Together Foods – hoping to encourage the beleaguered store to get on the right path.

Family and friends of the store gathered outside the court to protest the decision. “You can take the Festival out of Festival Foods, but you’ll never take our freedom!” yelled an angry middle-aged woman whose face was painted Festival bag yellow.

Festival Foods has 60 days to comply with the name change order. 

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