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Republicans Rage As Goats Steal Landscaping Jobs From Teens They Were Hoping To Underpay

MILWAUKEE – The shrinking workforce is concerning to employers across the nation, but Wisconsin GOP members have identified a new adversary in the ongoing labor shortage – and you’ll never guess who’s taking the blame. 

Between supply chain issues, a recent hike in gas prices, and an inability to source employees – businesses and homeowners alike have turned to an unlikely source to handle landscaping duties: goats. Companies like ‘Scape Goats LLC of Franklin, WI have seen tremendous growth in the last few weeks.

Utilizing goats for landscaping is nothing new – their preference for invasive species and noxious weeds make them not only ideal employees, but great for gardens and yards. Area cemeteries like Forest Home and Graceland recently began to hire out herds to manage lawncare needs – and now they’re butting heads with Wisconsin Republicans.

“This is absolutely outrageous,” says Paul Farrow, State Chairman of the WI GOP. “There are countless Wisconsin teenagers we could be significantly underpaying, what will they do now? What will WE do now? I’m not hiring some cockamamie liberal goat.”

At a recent North Milwaukee GOP Meetup, Farrow addressed a crowd of angry residents. Marge Fremen of nearby Wauwatosa was delighted to hear there was opposition to goatscaping. “Goats are synonymous with the devil’s work. I am a good, Christian woman – I won’t even eat goat meat,” said a shaken Fremen. “That’s how you get possessed. I saw it on YouTube.” 

Some were more skeptical. “I don’t know, man, I think it’s probably okay,” offered Russell Schoenborn of Milwaukee. “Those goats were pretty helpful in Thor: Love and Thunder. I think they’re probably chill. I’d have to say I’m definitely pro-goat.” 

Farrow scoffed and reminded the crowd that goats were replacing human workers and it was “definitively anti-American to support the goat workforce initiatives,” and implored Schoenborn to ruminate on his stance before committing.

Leo Barlow, CEO of ‘Scape Goats, LLC was in the audience to set the record straight. “It’s hardly unamerican to employ goats. If anything, it’s better for the environment and gives people more time to spend with their loved ones. What’s more American than that?”

Despite its many benefits, goatscaping is not quite a perfect solution. Goat healthcare is extremely expensive, as goats are prone to parasites and have developed resistance to antibiotics – often making ownership inaccessible for most. “Between that, costly fencing, and their love for blasting black metal music – they’re really quite the burden for the individual,” says Angie LaClare, of LaClare Family Creamery in Malone, WI – an expert on goats and their lifestyles. “They do make a mean chèvre though.”

Farrow has planned a goat protest, to take place at Best Place at the Historic Pabst Brewery’s Goat Yoga session on Saturday August 20th. Low attendance is expected. 

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