Aries: March 21 – April 19 Good fortune is upon you when you discover a crisp $20 bill at the foot of your mother’s casket.🤑
Taurus: April 20 – May 20 Beware of men wearing the color taupe.😲
Gemini: May 21 – June 20 Your energy is contagious! And so are you. Stay inside for the next couple days. 🤒
Cancer: June 21 – July 22 You will embark upon an unexpected trip when you are summoned to jury duty. 😳
Leo: July 23 – August 22 Your birthday will fall on a Saturday this year. 😉
Virgo: August 23 – September 22 I see a new relationship in your future! But you’re far too clingy so it won’t last. 😔
Libra: September 23 – October 22 Be wary of those closest to you, for they smell the worst. 🥴
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21 The end is nigh. 😊
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21 You need to de-stress! Drink 20 beers tonight. 😋
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19 See a doctor immediately. 😜
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18 Ed Sheehan will appear at the foot of your bed tonight holding a briefcase containing $20,000. Take it without question. Drive to Cody, WY and use the money to buy a ranch. Start a farm where you solely produce soy beans and vintage replicas of those old Ronald McDonald statues that sat on benches (you know the ones). In 5 years time, a man named “Shampoo” will offer to go halfsies on the ranch. Take the deal. Leave immediately for St. Petersburg. You will live the rest of your life there as a twitch streamer who only plays Luigi’s Mansion. 🙂
Pisces: February 19 – March 20 You’re quirky! Go show off your creativity at an art expo! 🥸
