MILWAUKEE, WI- Milwaukee County Parks administrators held public hearings last week regarding new plans to install military-style turrets to the second floor of the Bradford Beach Pavillion in hopes that it will attract eccentric millionaires and billionaires to hunt the public for sport. Proponents lament the property’s current disuse and a “festering air of comfort amongst the wretched masses.”
This decision has drawn concerns ranging from restroom accessibility to a basic regard for human life. Public complaints were heard while county representatives retired for cigars and brandy served in the skulls of orphans. One parks official commented, “We would like to make it perfectly clear that Bradford Beach will remain open to the public so long as they can deftly strafe and/or move in a serpentine-like fashion.”
The proposition passed unanimously, and an additional movement for randomly dispersed landmines was tabled for future budget discussions. Next week, Milwaukee County Parks administrators will address plans to install flesh-hungry tiger sharks into the Veterans Park lagoon.