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Water Street actually pretty dry

MILWAUKEE — Watergate, the Denver Airport, the true identity of Charles Entertainment Cheese. It’s not abnormal for the powers that be to obscure the truth. But as a Milwaukean, I never thought a scandal would hit so close to home.

Water Street is an all too familiar thoroughfare to the residents of our fair city, and yet, many are clueless to the lies they’ve been fed year after year.

Recent damning research has found that Water Street is in fact pretty dry. Researchers from MSOE ran tests and found the pavement to be completely arid. Furthermore, testing during  rainstorms uncovered the presence of built-in contraptions that paradoxically funneled water away from the surface. As famous scientist Albert Einstein once said, “What the fuck?”This contradicts all previous observations. I mean, it’s called Water Street. The mere mention of this hallowed avenue conjures up images of babbling brooks, waterfalls, and the shitty fucking sinks at Duke’s.

But what you have to ask yourself is how long has the Mayor been keen on this inundation situation (or lack thereof)? Does the Common Council know? The police department? How deep does this rabbit hole really go?

We reached out to Mayor Tom Barrett for a comment and this is what he had to say: “What the fuck are you talking about? Of course it’s dry, it’s a goddamn city street. How’d you get in my office?” Nice Tom, real nice. This is how they treat members of the press in our society. They try to silence those who bring light to the truth.

We’re sick of your shit, Tom. The truth needs to be heard. The public must know that Water Street is bone dry! Our voices WILL be heard.

But awareness is merely the first step; these wrongdoings must be rectified. That is why I have come up with a few options to alleviate the pain suffered by Milwaukeans.

Option 1: Rename Water Street to something more appropriate.

  • This is the most obvious answer to the problem. Some ideas include but are not limited to: Dry Bones Ave, Parched Path, Stale Street, or My Ex-Wife’s Coochie Blvd.

Option 2: Turn the entire street into one gigantic Slip ‘N Slide.

  • This option is a bit larger of an undertaking but more worthwhile in the long run, and no, I will not explain further.

In addition to this, it is only fair that the afflicted receive reparations. Something to the tune of $1000 per resident, per week, per time personally affected by the Water Street scandal, which will be self defined and reported. In addition, Mayor Tom Barrett should be fired, flown away in a helicopter Richard Nixon style, and then crashed into a mountainside Kobe Bryant style.

Pandemic, protests, and now this? 2020, you’re a fickle bitch. All we can do at this point is take a step back and begin the healing process. We will get through this, eventually.

–7/22/20 E.M.

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