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Sargento Cheese To Acquire Second “More Sexy” Family-Owned Wisconsin Business

PLYMOUTH, WI – Growing dairy monopolists, Sargento Foods Inc., followed up their recent Baker Cheese acquisition with another surprising buyout. The legendary cheesemakers will be expanding their business into entertainment – specifically adult entertainment.

The sliced cheese giants finalized a deal with beloved local fixture, Club Exotica, and will take ownership of the Waukesha, Appleton and Sun Prairie locations beginning June 1st. Employees are expected to retain their positions following the transition. 

“We were surprised, but what better pairing than cheese and sausage,” said Club Exotica employee Beau Nemal. “We’re proud to be members of the Sargento Family of Brands.” 

Sargento, the company that introduced the first packaged shredded cheese, is the first food producer in the United States to own a male strip club. They will also be the first known establishment to offer curated cheese pairings to go with lap dances. “Our dancers from Italian descent will be paired with a hard, nutty parmesan, while our Latin dancers come with a robust Manchego,” Gentine family spokesperson Mallory Fromholtz announced. “This is a great step forward in our quest to offer new and inventive cheese experiences to our customers.” 

Owners, brothers Brick and Rod Cannon, were visibly excited about being able to hand over their beloved family chain to capable business owners. “Nothing makes us happier than knowing the women of Wisconsin will still be able to melt easily in Sargento’s capable hands. We’ve been assured the quality of standards will be upheld, and we believe our new owners will thrust us into the future of exotic male dancing.” 

The Wisconsin Cheese Council was reluctant to voice their support, but sent Marjorie Ratliff in HR to the Sun Prairie location to experience the pairings firsthand. “Mmmmphhh… mmmmphhh-hmmmm,” she said, her face motorboating Mr. Nemal’s tanned cakes. 

There is themed merchandise planned, including charcuterie boards, local homemade jams, and t-shirts. A banana-hammock cutting is planned for May 31st at 11:59pm at the flagship Waukesha location. 

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