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Researchers find that Covid-19 virus did NOT originate at Trinity Three Irish Pubs

Trinity Might be safe

Bars are pretty disgusting places to begin with; that’s half the fun, is it not? Researchers at the Wisconsin News Today Institute of Infectious Disease, Death, and Yoga (WN-TIDDY) today released findings showing that, contrary to popular belief and the UW-Milwaukee student’s joking-but-half-serious twitter exchanges, SARS-CoV-2 (commonly known as Covid-19, or The Big ‘Rona) DID NOT originate at Trinity Three Irish Pubs. Trinity is a single pub located at 125 E. Juneau Street in Milwaukee that tries to act as if it’s three pubs. Fun fact about Trinity, it may be only one pub, but it is three times as grimy.

Trinity Three Irish Pubs (Source: Google Maps)

Our researchers at Wisconsin News Today were able to speak with Trinity owners Jimmy Fishy and Jake Ooter, who were extremely pleased with the news; “We were just like wow” said Jimmy, who also mentioned that they  “are so excited that we can stay open at full capacity throughout the rest of this pandemic”… I don’t think that’s how it works, Jimmy. Jake had this to say; “We here at Trinity are excited to hear the revelation that we aren’t the originator of Covid-19. After it was revealed last year that we were the original source of Chlamydia, we weren’t sure we’d ever bounce back. This would have been a devastating blow”

This news follows on the heels of breaking news in October claiming that Trinity Three Irish Pubs was the second violator of the City of Milwaukee’s Covid-19 order for enforcement of wearing masks and social distancing. On that evening, Trinity was not only slapped with a $500 fine… but they were slapped with a second! We are a little upset that they didn’t issue three fines to follow the “Trinity, Three Pubs” theme, but hey, we hope they learned their lesson and are excited that they are able to continue operating in order to financially support their staff members.

We thought it would be a good idea to interview a few local college students about the recent findings, and were not disappointed in the results. We caught up with MSOE Freshman Ella Spooner as she entered the tavern, sans-identification. “I am seriously like so excited to hear the news. I didn’t even know until you told me, but it definitely makes me feel a little better about my decision to go clubbing with my gals today”. It was 11:15am on a Tuesday and she appeared way too intoxicated to have been drinking for less than 4 hours. Best of luck out there, Ella.

Richard Taste is Nightly Reporter and Senior Editor at Wisconsin News Today since January of 2021. Dick has studied worldwide, from Oxford to Yale, and has been featured in publications such as Playboy Magazine, the New York Times, and The Wall Street Journal. In his free time, Mr. Taste enjoys traveling the streets of beautiful West Allis, Wisconsin with his mail-order wife, Svetlana.

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