Republicans Warn of Impending Cicada-Related Crime; Call to “Close the Ground”
WASHINGTON D.C. – With the predicted cicada hatching this spring expected to be in the billions, Republican law-makers have pressured the Biden administration to go on the offensive and “close the ground” to all cicadas attempting to enter.
While most normal people are looking forward to the once-in-a-lifetime event where the large insect will boil from the earth after a 13 to 17 year incubation period and blanket much of the country with their famously loud symphonies, Republicans remain wary of the cicada’s intentions.
“Democrats just want to open the ground up and let all the cicadas enter this country for free to get their government handouts,” Republican Senator Whitey McSlipperyslope commented, ”These cicadas have no education. They have no work skills. They can’t even speak English,”
Entomologists disagree with the Republicans assertions about cicada behavior reminding people that cicadas may be loud, but they do not bite or sting.
But Republicans were not prepared to have a logical debate on the subject and have deemed the cicada a “threat to national security.”
“What do all things that don’t have a job do?,” McSlipperyslope continued, “They do drugs and commit crimes. That’s all.”
Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.
