MILWAUKEE – The traditional 6th inning Sausage Race at American Family Field may be one runner short for a few months. Both team officials and law enforcement are investigating the Johnsonville Polish Racing Sausage after he posted a wild Instagram Live video to his account.
Polish appears to be brandishing a PM-63 and waving it in the aforementioned video. The veteran runner allegedly began hurling obscenities towards his rival Italian – and threatening to “replace all that seasoned filling with lead.”
While the video only showed Polish, the background was unmistakable. The Bratwurst Mansion is a well known party spot for city A-listers and the Milwaukee Police, as well as being Bratwurst’s home.
While no suspension details are clear, league officials are due to comment on the matter soon. Milwaukee Police Chief Jeffrey Norman, however, has already responded directly to the allegations.
“Usually we’re called in when Bratwurst gets himself into trouble with drug dealers. We were surprised to see Polish hanging around there. We’re definitely looking into the threats made against Italian.”
The Italian Community Center of Milwaukee was stunned to hear of the allegations against Polish.
“This is a sad day for the Polish-Italian brotherhood. Our friends the Poles have been close allies since the Garibaldi Legion fought for Polish independence in the January Rebellion of 1863,” says Antonio Masciandaro, Director of the ICC. “I mean, sure we had some differences in the 40s, but we’re past that now. We are saddened to hear of Polish’s comments.”
Friends of Polish are concerned he’s gotten in over his head with Italian. Mumblings around AmFam have led authorities to believe that Italian is indeed a Made sausage. Despite the severity of his threats, Polish has been placed in temporary protective custody.
“We’ve also urged Club officials to examine the nature of this event, as we suspect it may be narcotic in nature,” continued Norman. “It’s highly likely Polish was under the influence. Unfortunately this is only speculation. We can’t bring in the K-9 unit as the drywall at Bratwurst Mansion is 65% cocaine – and I think we all know a coked up dog is not going to be able to resist a tasty-looking sausage.”
Allen Chalmers reporting