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Advocate Aurora to Offer “Happy Hour” Discount for Births Between 3 and 6pm

MILWAUKEE – In an effort to undercut competition pricing during this rough economy, Advocate Aurora has made an unconventional move they hope will lead the free market back to them. 

Following an intense board meeting last night, Chief Media Director Sue Eggins released a statement announcing a new “Happy Hour” discount wherein patients could save up to 25%.

“Due to Ascension Medical Group’s “Buy One Get One” discount, we felt we needed to stay competitive and maintain our relationships with our custome–I mean patients. Their care and HSAs are our top priorities!”

“However, in today’s economy, we know that the financial repercussions of childbirth can exceed $20k. In the interest of keeping healthcare accessible and our CEOs yachts maintained, we felt our pricing structure needed a rebrand,” continued Eggins. “What’s more, we wanted to stay on trend and keep ourselves relevant as our clientele are only getting younger.” 

Advocate Aurora outlined their new discount program which incentivizes births between 3 and 6pm. “We really hope this special price and the free epidural we’re including will keep people coming to us instead of the competition.”

The 25% off promotion will run year round. Expectant mothers were already lining up to blast their young out before the dinner rush – for the discounts, good drugs, and to make it home in time before this week’s Succession airs. 

If the novel marketing campaign doesn’t work, Ms. Eggins suggested, they may also include a complimentary Double Cheeseburger with each recorded birth over 10lbs.*

*Offer subject to change. May not be valid at all locations.

Allen Chalmers and Jebediah Gretzky reporting

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