RACINE – Fast cars. Calloused hands. The smell of worn leather, unwashed denim and gasoline. An 18 pack of cheap beer. A good old-fashioned convenience store scuffle. Is there anything that better defines the heartland of America?
Randy Felch of Racine doesn’t seem to think so.
Earlier this week, the 41 year old unemployed frequent strip club patron set his sights on a most ambitious undertaking. He’s planning to drive to all 73 Speedway locations in Wisconsin – and fight a patron outside every single one.
Wisconsin News Today was on the scene as Felch attempted to initiate arguments with anyone that walked out of the first location on his itinerary. Our team inquired as to whether he had any fighting experience or martial arts training. He gestured toward a bumper sticker which read “I was an Honor Student at the School of Hard Knocks.” Cocking his head to one side, he cleared his throat and spat on the ground.
“Yeah, that’s right,” asserted Felch, as he packed a carton of Lucky Strikes outside Store #4513. “You got a problem with that?” The former rare coin dealer leaned against his black ‘87 Dodge Charger and raised an eyebrow. “You wanna scrap?”
Inspired by hearing “some broad riding her bike to all the Kwik Trips,” Felch says he wanted to leave behind a legacy — the likes of which his useless stepson could never aspire to.
When asked why he wanted to do this at Speedway stores, he said “I’ll kick anyone’s ass, anywhere, anytime. I just happen to love the Breakfast Bacon Subwiches and general ambiance at the old ‘Smokes and Cokes.’”
Felch had only developed the plan a few hours prior – having enlisted the help of his “neighbor kid who does the Innernet thing” to map out the 1370 mile trip. He plans to live on Speedway Cafe meals and “take whore baths” to keep fresh. “I’m not above sleeping in my car, I don’t care for fancy hotels and the like. I don’t put on airs. What do I look like, Harry Styles?”
According to Felch’s family, this is hardly the first time he’s engaged in such a polarizing pursuit. “My son Daniel has some trouble with focus,” says Mrs. Felch. “A few years ago Randy claimed he was going to break every fidget spinner in the state. He got to about 26 before he gave up and put on reruns of Walker Texas Ranger.”
We are certain Mrs. Felch has a first name, but Felch insisted on referring to her as “Woman.” As she looked on from the backseat, Felch walked up to a young man and knocked off his cap. “You think you’re better than me? Let’s take this outside!” The startled youth trembled and replied “But… we are outside!”
Felch says he doesn’t know how long the trip will take him, “on account of so many glutenphobic, kombucha drinking sissies refusing to get into it with me.” After several hours of not getting any bites, he waved down a passing car to holler the Felch family credo — Suck my ass! — before giving them the finger and giving up for the day.
As he departed, Felch stuck a fist out his window and shouted “Trump 2023” and drove on to the next Speedway location blasting “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”.
Mary Sweeney reporting