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Lakefront Brewery Unveils New Petting Zoo, Offering Up-Close Encounters with Bearded Shift Brewers

MILWAUKEE – During the past business quarter, Lakefront Brewery had to make the tough decision of updating its bottling line and converting it to a canning line. Although it was a good call to catch up with craft brewing trends, as the industry is shifting away from bottles and towards cans, this left fans of the tours disappointed as the old bottling line contained parts from the iconic opening credits of the intro theme to the 1970s television show “Laverne and Shirley.” 

“I’ll miss being able to show up weekly to brewery tours dressed in my Laverne cosplay. Now that it’s gone, I guess I’ll have to start focusing on my upcoming trail for my participation in the January 6th party at the Capitol,” says Laverne and Shirley/Proud Boy Chapter President Doug “Bull Horn” Skalitzky. 

Brewery managers have stepped in to reassure patrons that the tours will still be fun. “We have started implementing mandatory overtime for our brewing staff to come in on weekends for an intimate petting zoo experience for families looking to get shit-house wasted while holding their newborn children in Solly Baby Wraps,” said brewery manager Bill “Chug-a-lug” Pularski.

The rare bearded species known as “Brewers” and “Cellar workers” will finally be accessible to the public for feedings and beard rubs. “We did a soft opening for friends and family, which was great, as we found out one of our brewers had rabies. Thankfully, we were able to put that one down to create a safe environment for visitors to our beer hall,” said Pularski. 

Lucas DeLong reporting.

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