GREEN BAY, WI- The Wisconsin State Lab of Hygiene stoked public anger Monday afternoon as they insisted on referring to the beloved Titletown city as the “technically more accurate” Blue-Green Bay.
Long famous for its greenish waters, it is also the oldest settlement in the state. Coined by French settlers in the 1630s, La Baie Verte began as a trading post. Now, an unknown source of bacteria has caused a shift in color.
Environmental Health Director Dave Webb, in a presentation showcasing findings from the National Centers for Coastal Ocean Sciences, surprised onlookers with evidence that the once-green bay was actually now considerably closer to blue-green. Longtime residents and fans of the chartreuse pallor they’ve come to love sneered as Webb continually made reference to Blue-Green Bay.
“Ten years ago, the cell count per milliliter averaged under 800,000 – keeping the bay and surrounding waters a healthy, pickle-hued tone,” Webb stated. “In the past few years, however, that number has skyrocketed to over one million, brightening the waterways to a richer, jewel-toned blue-green. I think it’s safe to say that referring to our great city as Blue-Green Bay is technically more scientifically accurate.”
When the crowd booed in response, Webb begged them to quiet down. Some members were more vocal than others. Harvey Mullenbach of nearby DePere approached the mic with noted fervor. “It will always be Green Bay. It looks green to me,” he yelled. “Honey, you’re colorblind,” said his wife Agnes, trying to pull him back to his seat.
Others were more curious about the situation. “Is this permanent?” asked Cindy Freund of Ashwaubenon. “What could have caused such an unusually high algae bloom?” The crowd murmured in anticipation of an answer.
Webb could not give a definitive answer. “We’re still investigating, but one theory that carries some weight,” offered Webb, “is that the collective disappointment of Green Bay Packers fans waiting for another Super Bowl win has effectively given the entire bay the blues.”
Wisconsin DNR officials took samples and sent them off to the National Center for Biotechnology Medicine to investigate the potential threat to local wildlife and fisheries. A full report is expected in the fall.