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Following Brewery’s Gun Discovery, Local Cheese Cellar Recoils From Their Own Hidden Secret 

THERESA, WI – Just a few hours after news broke that a Wisconsin brewery found a gun in their ceiling, another beloved local business made a startling discovery that’s turning heads and scrunching up noses. 

While Stubborn Brothers Brewery of Shawano made their discovery four years ago, it was just this morning that Widmer’s Cheese Cellars of Theresa realized that their cellars were home to more than just curds and whey. 

“We were cleaning out a storage closet when I noticed the wall behind our cleaning equipment wasn’t just a wall – but a door,” says Libby Cuthbert, inventory manager for the family of cheesemongers. “It took some serious prying, but we finally got it open and we couldn’t believe our eyes.”

Behind the hidden door was none other than the entire Central Wisconsin NRA chapter huddled around a 100 pound cheese wheel they used as a makeshift table. Murmuring to each other and carefully cleaning their guns, the group centered around the lone light on the ceiling that barely illuminated the room. “They largely ignored me,” said Cuthbert. “One turned around and grunted, and went back to polishing the barrel of his Ruger Vaquero.” 

Cuthbert spied another gigantic wheel of cheese, partially gnawed upon, as well as a long blanket with some items under it that suspiciously resembled a human body.

The fourteen men appeared unshaven and disheveled. It was quickly made apparent that they had been in this room undisturbed for three decades, as the only book in sight was the Jan. 30 – Feb 5 1993 TV Guide Super Bowl issue which featured Craig T. Nelson on the cover. 

The air smelled exactly like Widmer’s 10 year cheddar, but if it had been infused with the aroma of fourteen unwashed men (and one corpse) that had been locked in a dimly lit, windowless room for three decades. 

Cuthbert, not knowing how to proceed, called authorities. “They didn’t seem to want to be bothered, but surely after all this time having nothing but cheese, water that dripped down from a crack in the ceiling, and possibly human flesh to sustain them?” she asked. “I mean, they probably need medical attention, right?”

Dodge County Sheriff Andrew Lenz attempted to make contact with the men who continued to ignore their presence — until a customer waiting at the counter piped up. “I wonder what they’re going to think when they find out about the number of school shootings we hear about on the regular.” Their heads quickly turned and their grumblings quieted.

“We backed away because we saw them begin to assemble,” said Sheriff Lenz. “They looked as angry as Kid Rock gets about seeing too many colors on a can of  Bud Light when he gets sauced, so we just sort of stood there.”

It was then that the smallest of the men approached the threshold of the secret room and uttered five chilling words. “Can we get some crackers?” Cuthbert handed the man a few boxes of Carr’s Table Water Crackers and retreated back to the sheriff. Then, the men shut the door behind them.

“I guess we’ll just leave them,” said Cuthbert. “I mean, it’s not like they’re accomplishing anything down there. I guess we can check back in thirty or so years.” 

In related news, the owners of Blanck’s Lake Aire Supper Club began searching their walk-in freezer hoping for a similar discovery, but all they found was a few Tavern League documents outlining a plot to help keep marijuana illegal in Wisconsin.

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