MADISON, WI – In their most decisive move since switching to pre-pay only at the pump, LaCrosse-based convenience giant Kwik Trip had some residents scratching their heads and craning their necks with Thursday’s announcement.
Despite a height restriction imposed in 1990 to preserve the view of the state capitol, Kwik Trip’s building proposal was approved by the City of Madison Wednesday night. Previously, structures located within one mile of the center of the building could not exceed an elevation of 1,032.8 feet, with limited exceptions.
The “Mega Kwik Trip” will stand a staggering 1,269 feet tall and will have 14 floors. Kwik Trip Public Relations Coordinator Marcia Hansen revealed an anticipated on-site bakery, a Pothole Pizzeria, and an entire floor of pristinely-kept bathrooms. “We’re giving the people what they want,” said Hansen. “We’ve got about 75 Holsteins going in the basement. Madison will never run out of milk.”
According to sources familiar with the proceedings that led to the plan’s approval, legislators unanimously agreed that the city was no longer defined by its landscape but, rather, the spirit of the people within it.
Bryan Dedering, a local father of three, lamented the upcoming obstruction. “We need another Kwik Trip in Wisconsin like Don Gorske needs another Big Mac.”
Without a clear view of the capital, swaths of Wisconsin University freshmen driving up 151 will lose the opportunity to take iconic Instagram pics much to the delight of their aging aunts and neighbors back home. In what the Wisconsin News Today team is tentatively describing as dissent, Mayor Satya Rhodes-Conway remarked “The Wisconsin State Capitol building is a very beautiful and powerful building and its beauty is only exceeded by its power.”
Some residents are more keen on the idea. “I stand for architectural freedom,” resident Michelle Hostettler told us. “If God wanted us to see the capitol, he wouldn’t have made Dunkers and Glazers so darn irresistible.”
Plans to break ground are set for Friday May, 6th.