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Evers Meets with Kamikazee Loons To Negotiate Ceasefire

MADISON – After a barrage of surprise kamikaze loon attacks around Wisconsin, Governor Tony Evers agreed to meet with the monogamous, crustacean-eating waterfowl to negotiate a ceasefire early Sunday morning.  

The 3,131-strong loon military brigade, clad in their military garb and seasonal plumage, descended upon the state capitol at 8am Sunday morning to discuss their demands. A group of six delegate loons entered the first floor rotunda and were escorted by capitol security to Governor’s Evers’ office for the closed-door meeting. 

Like clockwork, the GOP leadership was quick to admonish the governor’s meeting with the loons, citing the United States’ policy of not negotiating with terrorists.  

Senator Ron Johnson, a vocal critic of anything that helps non-rich people, led the rallying cry against the assembly – obviously not understanding that loons are neither US citizens nor people. 

“What is the governor going to offer these migrants? Housing? Healthcare? You know who is going to pay for that – the taxpayers. And what does that lead to? Less jobs and… and… government overreach!”  

The senator then began snoring. WNT was unable to decipher the rest of the Republican senator’s quote, as his gently lulled himself to sleep in the middle of a recycled, gaslighting rant. 

Acting mediator between the two sides, Political Ornithologist Jippy Skinflappy felt the discussions were tense at times – but also quite productive overall. “The meeting started calmly with the governor offering the loon military leaders some fresh crayfish,” Skinflappy explained, “Then the talks started.” 

Unfortunately the negotiations went off track as the governor made a number of loon-culture snafus, the worst of which was Evers accidentally misgendered one of the loons. 

“This is a common error made when people address loons as males and females have identical plumage,” explained Skinflappy. The loons went into a momentary rage with several gaining flight within the office. Some circled Evers’ head as they made wavering calls of alarm and defecated on the furniture. It was unclear if the defecating was an act of aggression, a fear-response to be able to escape faster, or a combination of the two. 

Evers quickly extinguished the escalating tension by allowing one of the loons to nest in his hair for the remainder of the meeting. 

“This was a brilliant move by Evers as his hair closely resembles dry, snow-covered vegetation. This made the loons feel safe and camouflaged, which allowed the negotiations to continue.”

After one hour, the loons left without further incident, but an agreement was not reached. 

“The ceasefire will remain until we are able to meet again,” Evers clarified, “In the meantime, we are going to figure out how to communicate with the loons as during the one hour meeting I had no idea what they were saying.” 

Dr. Jonathan H. Dong reporting

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