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Brewers Introduce “Piss Clock” To Speed Up Pace Of Play

MILWAUKEE, WI – To counteract lengthened bathroom lines due to new MLB pace-of-play rules, the Milwaukee Brewers have installed “Piss Clocks” in all the bathrooms at American Family Field. 

The unpredictability of spring weather arrives with the needed predictability of one beloved sport: spring baseball. Each MLB team starts anew with fresh, young faces filling roster spots to hype the hopes and dreams of their emotionally-invested fan bases. 

The start of this MLB season has greeted Brewers fans with a renewed passion for the game that continually crushes their spirits every fall with failed playoff runs. Before fans have the opportunity to disappointingly mutter “There’s always next season”, MLB has installed several pace-of-play rules in an attempt to chip away at the excruciating three to four hour games. Of these new rules, the pitch clock appears to have the greatest effect by eliminating down time between pitches. 

This change has had unforeseen ripple effects on the functioning of each ballpark’s systemic operating systems. More specifically, less down time during the game means longer lines. The Brewers have offered a new feature to help extinguish the bathroom: The Piss Clock. 

Urethra Sackwrinkle, Brewers facilities Manager and inventor of The Piss Clock, feels the bathroom is the club’s most problematic line with the Brewers’ entire marketing system devised around binge drinking. That’s when he knew technology was the key. 

“Most businesses have counteracted lines with the advent of technology,” Sackwrinkle explained, “So I figured why not apply it to the bathrooms?”  

Sackwrinkle is excited the early results have garnered. Before the Piss Clock, urinal-trough patrons were averaging 57.3 seconds of urinal standing time. Since the Piss Clock, that number has been more than cut in half to 25.2 seconds. 

“Sometimes we would get people standing there blabbing away about the game who had been done urinating 15 to 20 seconds ago.” 

The rules for The Piss Clock are quite simple: 

  1. Each piss patron is allowed 30 seconds to urinate. 
  2. The time starts upon first urine contact with the trough bottom. 
  3. Once flow has ceased, there is a 3 second maximum “shake window”
  4. Once The Piss Clock expires, the fan is forcibly removed from the urinal and ejected from the bathroom. 
  5. Umpires officiate all piss clocks, and their rulings are not subject to review. 

“This is a game-changer. Peeing at the ballpark will never be the same again.”

Dr. Jonathan H. Dong reporting

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