MILWAUKEE, WI- Hundreds of trivia hooligans spilled into the streets this week following a catastrophic quiz night at the Milwaukee Sail Loft on East Erie. These enthusiasts, also known as “ultras” have wreaked havoc on the city for months – and law enforcement has finally had enough.
“We’ll be working with bar owners and trivia proctors to ensure we finally bring this treachery to an end,” says Officer Robert Denton. Despite being emboldened by recent events, the authorities were quick to acknowledge that it won’t exactly be easy. “This new culture is even leaking into the force,” continued Officer Denton. “Rookies and even seasoned detectives from Districts 6 and 1 were involved in this last brawl.”
Bar owners are equally fed up with the continued scuffles.
“They’re meeting up behind the bar and kicking the living shit out of each other before we even read the first question,” says Marc Galloway, owner of the Explorium Brew Pub. “They’ve even begun lighting victory flares inside the bar, what the fuck!?” The exasperated Galloway wiped flare residue from a bar stool as he sighed. “ I got rid of my smoke-eater ten years ago!”
Law enforcement have brainstormed a series of deterrents for this violence. Some ideas being thrown around included having mounted police patrol guard the bar and/or employing police kettling tactics to completely restrict access.
One policy to be established immediately will be the citywide ban on cell phones within bars conducting quiz nights, citing recent reports that indicate “93% of all major brawls and trivia riots have been caused by a single asshole Googling a question.”