MILWAUKEE, WI – Due to rising covid cases, it has been decided that a second, new Milwaukee will be constructed. The aptly named, Milwaukee 2, is slated to open this spring.
The decision was spurred after acting Mayor, Cavalier Johnson, Googled ‘covid cases Milwaukee’. Johnson was astounded by what he found. He immediately brought it up to the common council, who issued a referendum. In response to the referendum, residents voted in favor of building an entirely new Milwaukee. “We figured it would just be easier to construct an entirely new city than to issue another mask mandate or to encourage residents to get vaccinated.”, said Johnson.
Milwaukee 2 will be constructed 40 miles south of the existing city in place of Racine and Kenosha, which will both be obliterated. Current residents of the Racine/Kenosha area will lose their homes but will receive an edible arrangement for their troubles. The new city will be an exact replica of the previous one, save for a 500-foot tall number 2 that will be erected on top of the hill in Kilbourn Reservoir park. All covid-free Milwaukeans are expected to uproot themselves and move to the new city, as to not disrupt the economy. Those in opposition will be fed to The Hop.
The old city will eventually become populated by small militias of hyper-intelligent rats, who will develop into a feudal style government. Four kingdoms will rise: Ratopia, Rodentsburg, Ratatouilleville, and Downers Grove. For years, there will be peace, but eventually, war will erupt. Millions of rodent lives will be lost. The battles will rage on for years until the development of the ratomic-bomb by Ratopian scientist, J. Ratburt Ratpenheimer. It will be dropped on the city of Ratoshima, in the Rodentsburg kingdom, which will result in a ceasefire from all parties. The fear of mutually assured rat-struction will keep the peace for years, save for various proxy wars in the middle-east-side…
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Milwaukee 2. I think you get the idea, they’re making a second one. You know what they say, sequels are always better than the original.