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Youth Softball Dugout Overflowing with Dads with Unrealized Athletic Dreams

ONALASKA, WI – A Wisconsin youth T-Ball program’s dugout has now reached an official capacity of “overflowing” with volunteering unathletic dads. 

The Onalaska Park & Rec program’s youth T-Ball program started the season simply: one team, one coach, and one assistant coach. As the summer has trickled on, the dugout population steadily grew not with the budding talent of prospective ball players, but with bodies of dads far past their athletic primes. Now, 

“It’s been difficult figuring out what to do with all of them, that’s for use,” lamented original head coach Chad Butterson, “I don’t want to say ‘No’ to a dad who wants to be involved with their child’s activities.” 

This accommodating approach has now left Butterson with a dugout of approximately 85 dads, a peculiar number as the team roster only has twelve children playing. Once a group of dads, called a “lawn”, has staked claim over a dugout, it is nearly impossible to remove them. There has been no official count of the self-assigned volunteer dad coaches as the number has been ever changing, but it is believed the dad to player ratio is around 8 to 1. 

“During one game this season, we actually added four dads during the game. They didn’t ask. They just… appeared from the parking lot.” 

Even the people-pleaser, Butterson has worked to give each dad a coaching assignment including: 

  • Eye black applicator 
  • Shoe tying instructor
  • Bat grip tester
  • Unnecessary stopwatch guy 
  • Awkward high-fiver
  • Zero emotions with arms folded and looks ready to fucking lose it at any moment coach
  • Bunting coach
  • Assistant to the bunting coach 
  • Coach who swears around the kids
  • Umpire intimidator
  • Flavored sunflower seed distributor
  • Flavored sunflower seed hogger
  • Coach who lights up a cigarette in the dugout
  • Watercooler temperature monitor 
  • Sunscreen applicator
  • Guy who is always touching the goddamn bats
  • Unhelpful advice giver (ie: yelling “Hit the ball!”)
  • Bookkeeper 
  • Emergency pencil holder for the book-keeper
  • Uncomfortably sweaty coach
  • “Good job!” shouter
  • Coach who is nice to all the kids except his own
  • Drunk dad who yells at the other team’s kids
  • Religious-fundamentalist dad offering prayers between every inning
  • Base stealing coach
  • Equipment stealing coach

Dr. Jonathan H. Dong reporting. 

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