Wisconsin Drunk Driving Team Heads to Olympics: “A Dream Come True” Coach Says

PARIS – The Chippewa Falls Drunk Driving Team made history last month when they were selected to represent both America and Wisconsin at the 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris. Their arrival in the city was met with great excitement as the team prepares to showcase their skills on the world stage. 

Led by the legendary Coach Osterman, who made state history in 1978 when he downed a 30 rack of PBR, eluded nine squad cars, before ultimately crashing into a tree at a strip club outside Elk Mound.

Under Osterman’s guidance, the team has adhered to a rigorous training regimen, which includes, mandatory bar crawls five nights a week, midnight navigation drills, precision parking challenges, and the infamous field sobriety gauntlet. 

“We’ve perfected the art of the rolling stop, the zigzag, and the beer bottle relay,” said Derek “Two Beers” Thompson. “It’s not just about being drunk; it’s about being efficiently drunk.

Osterman said in an interview with WNT, “I’m very proud of this team and my boys. You see Ricky over there? Ricky is a goddamn legend. I once saw him parallel park perfectly outside the county courthouse while shotgunning a beer—all without spilling a drop. He’s the kind of talent that makes Wisconsin proud. This is a dream come true for all of us.”