Opinion: Cream Puffs Fucking Suck

Cream puffs. Cream puffs are what not to like. Cream puffs are the worst. Cream puffs fucking suck. There. I said it. Cards on the table. They are NOT good. If I had to choose between ripping off all of my toenails with a pair of pliers or eating a cream puff, well, lets just say I’d end up like Marty in season 1 episode 10 of Ozark (spoiler alert: he does not indulge in a cream filled pastry from the Wisconsin State Fair).

How could anyone enjoy shoveling that shit into your mouth? If I wanted to know what it’s like to get cream everywhere while my face is stuck between two stale buns, I’d ask your mother out.

Who seriously enjoys walking around the Wisconsin State Fair in 80+ degree weather while holding an oversized croissant that’s dripping sticky bullshit everywhere? “Oooo let’s see how many bees we can attract today!”

It’s baffling how popular these things are, but I guess it does start to make sense when you realize that 64% of Wisconsin adults are either overweight or obese. So yeah, let’s keep it up and maybe we can round that out to a nice 70%.

The most confusing part about all of this is that Wisconsin is otherwise pretty solid when it comes to traditional foods. Brats, fish fry, cheese curds, cheese in general, beer. All good stuff! Why’d we have to go and stain that reputation with the cream puff? I guess not everyone can have a spotless record.

Whatever your opinion may be, just know that if you like cream puffs, you’re wrong.