MILWAUKEE – So yeah, I guess we just have alligators now. It’s also not the first time some shit like this has happened and I’m still struggling to come to terms with this reptilian revolution. This is one of many signs that Wisconsin could be transforming from “America’s Dairyland” to “The Florida of the Midwest.” All over the news you keep hearing about “Wisconsin man this, Wisconsin man that.” I’m hearing so much about this guy that he’s probably giving Florida man the rundown in an Applebee’s parking lot AS WE SPEAK.
Our summers are becoming increasingly warm and humid, meth is gripping the state’s heartland, and now fucking GATORS? AGAIN?! The only thing we’re missing is a worthwhile amusement park and airboats – and even those can be spotted on our lakes come ice fishing.
So what can we do about this? Everyone stop what you’re doing and get your shit together. We’re not quite to the “pack your bags” and “get out of Dodge” phase yet, but it wouldn’t hurt to have a few essentials ready in case things really go to shit.
You’ll encounter merchants and innkeepers throughout your journey, so you’ll want to be prepared with stable currency. Ensure you have sufficient Scoopie Tokens and Kohl’s Cash ready for bartering in this post-apocalyptic economy.
While man is the alligator’s natural predator, big cats like Wisconsin’s native cougars are also worthy opponents. If you cannot tame your own wild cat, you may find it helpful to align yourself with the less threatening domestic cougar. These 40+ year old females can be found drinking wine at local bars and wearing animal print clothing, which may be enough to ward off the most ornery of reptiles.
Finally, you’ll need to organize. Work with your community members to form an alligator task unit and develop your plan of attack. Next, begin rounding up and deporting all reptilian creatures, including Robin Vos, back down to their native Florida.
This reporter is very much looking forward to the day when he can finally say “See you later, Alligator.”
Stay safe out there, Wisconsin.