MADISON, WI – With the state Supreme Court ruling the current Wisconsin voting district map unconstitutional this past December due to extreme gerrymandering in Republican favor, the liberal-leaning court released its first draft of the new voting districts. Being that the map is glistening with sweat and smoking a cigarette, it is apparent Democrats have gerrymandered the absolute shit out of it.
“It’s nice to be gerrymandered sensitively by someone who really knows how to gerrymander a state, ya know?” the map explained in post-coital bliss, “With the Republicans, it was just the same old boring missionary gerrymandering night after night, year after year. Just pounding out elections without any love.”
The Democrats having taken a vastly different approach to their gerrymandering techniques incorporating the Supreme Court to complete a three-way of gerrymandering heaven.
To put it frankly, they gerrymandered, and they gerrymandered well.
“We gerrymandered in every possible place and position you can think of,” the map continued, “We gerrymandered in the cities standing up. We gerrymandered in the rural communities on a chair. Hell, we even gerrymandered a couple farms with some of the animals watching.”
In typical conservative fashion, the Republican legislature were quick to protest the action they themselves had taken advantage of for the last 15 years with a firm grip on legislature numbers despite state elections seemingly swinging toward Democrats.
“How dare they do exactly what we’ve been doing to get an unfair advantage in leadership,” Republican Assembly Speaker Vos protested upon the release of the map whilst clutching his pearls, “
Despite their objections, the map was not having any of their nonsense.
“They just gerrymandered me quickly, left money on the dresser, and told me to get out,” the map frustratingly concluded, “Had they gerrymandered me with some music or candlelit elections, perhaps we’d still be gerrymandering exclusively right now.”
Dr. Jonathan H. Dong reporting.