Have you looked at Target’s shelves lately? Roses, chocolates, enormous teddy bears … those little chalky hearts that are the LaCroix of candies? Valentine’s Day will soon be upon us — which means Wisconsin men will be looking for the most perfect spots to let their girlfriends down.
Just six short weeks after not putting a ring on their finger on New Year’s, the time has come to bolster her hopes once more before she resigns to her fate of forever being introduced as your “friend” by your mom at brat frys.
While her friends are having dinner at Ardent or Bacchus, dazzle with the finest cuisine this side of the Mississippi and take her to one of these familiar blue roofed faves:
900 Kelly Ave, Waupun
This Culver’s location is just a brisk 8 minutes from Dodge and Waupun Correctional Institutes and boasts two booths where her face will be hidden enough by decor so you won’t see her sigh exasperatedly when you go back up for your free scoop.
2250 South Main St, Rice Lake
Famous for being the closest Culver’s to where Jayme Closs lived, this location is a short walk to Harbor Freight, where you can leave her in the car as you go use your super coupons on a new generator.
5501 West Fond Du Lac Ave, Milwaukee
Robbed six times in five years, this location will steal your heart away with its rustic charm and distinctive ambiance. Beautiful Metcalfe Park is also nearby.
190 Tyranena Park Road, Lake Mills
Voted “Most Likely To Have Staff Complain They Can’t Use The N Word Anymore,” the Lake Mills location is unique in that it always offers two “Scoop of the Day” flavors. A rotating one, and double vanilla.
1086 West Fond du Lac Ave, Ripon
Want to leave your significant other in an entirely insignificant place? This Culver’s has EVERYTHING. Cold cheese curds, a cashier with disturbingly wet fingers, a health inspection rating of “Ask Again Later.” In what average man Rusty Schultz calls “terrible to poor at best,” the Ripon location is well known for refusing to have wheelchair accessible parking spots and never having coleslaw.
Good luck impressing her friends now — and we’re pretty sure that Kwik Trip gas card you’re regifting her isn’t going to do you much better.