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Packers Pope Admonishes Unsanctioned “Wisconsin Baptism” of Lions Player

GREEN BAY, WI – A Green Bay Packers fan performed an unsanctioned “Wisconsin Baptism” by pouring beer (ie: Wisconsin holy water) over Amon-Ra St. Brown of the Detroit Lions as he celebrated a touchdown for his team in Thursday night’s NFL game. 

St. Brown spun away from Rasul Douglas, who slipped to the ground, to take a diving catch from Jared Goff for the first touchdown of the night at Lambeau Field last Thursday night. He then ran and did a ‘Lambeau leap’ into the crowd to celebrate with some nearby Lions fans. Unbeknownst to St. Brown, the touchdown and celebratory leap are the two requirements needed for Teh Church of Packers membership. 

Football fans immediately threw the challenge flag calling the action “classless and perfunctory.”  The services of the Packers Pope were immediately summoned to review whether or not an official Packers Baptism ceremony had been completed and all the rules had been followed. 

Generally for an official Wisconsin Baptism to occur, a person must be wearing green and/or gold. In special circumstances, Badger red and white are also allowed. Other guidelines include renouncing the rest of the NFC North teams and sharing Charlie Berens reels ad nauseam. 

Despite the fervor of angry comments online calling for the fan to be excommunicated, few people realize that the fan legally exercised the baptism using an decades old loophole in the baptism system. 

Per the Packer Bible: 

If said person has scored a touchdown at Lambeau Field and successfully completed a Lambeau Leap, they hence forgo all other requirements and are immediately eligible for a Wisconsin Baptism. 

The moment the fan poured the beer on St. Brown, he became immortalized as one of the Packer faithful. 

After reviewing the play in high-resolution slow motion from several angles, the Packer Pope, despite his reservations of the impromptu ceremony, acknowledged that all of the requirements for joining the Church of Packers have been fulfilled. St. Brown is now officially a member of the Packer brethren and must be treated as such. 

“The pouring of the beer during a ceremonious leap washed away his sins,” Packer Pope explained, “The Packer Bible does not distinguish a team the person is on. Sadly, he is one of us now.” 

St. Brown released a statement following the announcement simply stating, “Fuck that.” 

Dr. Jonathan H. Dong reporting

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