Milwaukee Hotel Proposal Delayed Due To Environmental Contamination

MILWAUKEE, WI- A proposal to build a high-rise hotel on one of the most high-profile intersections in the City of Milwaukee has been put on hold, according to city officials.

Due to the previous use and a Phase I environmental report supplied by the prospective developer, The City of Milwaukee has been notified by the developer that the site of the proposed hotel at the intersection of Brady Street and Farwell Avenue has been indefinitely put on hold due to environmental concerns at the location.

Per the environmental consultant, an undue amount of semen has been located at the site and has jointly been identified not only as a biohazard, but also as an environmental, biological, and pregnancy hazard by both the FDA and the DNR. This is a once-in-a-lifetime situation where both the federal and state governments have worked together in a smooth and timely fashion, which has resulted in the delay of one of the most highly anticipated and contested projects in the City of Milwaukee. (tbh we don’t know why it’s contested, we really need this)

In a report acquired by the WNT investigative team, professionals labeled the amount of human semen located on the site due to it’s prior use as a “video game store” (aka public masturbation mecca) has created a serious health and biological hazard to the human race. “Due to the stereotypes surrounding both the type of dudes who masturbate publicly and the type of dudes who frequent that store, as well as the high percentage of future female visitors at the site, we are not comfortable providing a clean environmental report for the site, as it may pose a hazard to the future gene pool of the human race” stated the report.

We have not yet identified the lifespan of the human (we hope?) semen that has been located at the site, but we hope that the cold Wisconsin winter kills it off before it kills this deal, which we feel would be an incredible addition to the Brady Street nightlife scene.

The WNT investigative team has reached out to the current and prior owners of the site for comment but has not received a response as of yet. We will be sure to keep our readership updated as plans progress.

Dick Taste