Midwest Announces Plan To Phase Out Illinois By 2030

DES MOINES – After months of infighting, the Council of Midwest Elders finally announced they’ve arrived at the controversial decision to phase out the state of Illinois.  

The elimination is set to begin shortly, with an expected completion date of 2030.

According to sources close to the Council, the decision was made after years of frustration with the state’s inability to produce decent drivers or pizza. 

The plan involves slowly annexing Illinois’ land and redistributing it among the surrounding states, with the ultimate goal of erasing the state from the map entirely. 

In order to expedite clearing out the most densely populated areas, the Council attached Six Flags Great America passes to their eviction notices. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the beloved amusement park, they were corralled into the FIB Detention Centers where families now await reunification. 

Some have raised concerns about the legality of such a move and are calling for the decision to be overturned. Others feel differently. “This country was founded on individual freedoms,” insists John Cooper of Riverside, IA. “It’s within our constitutional rights to get rid of the FIBs.” 

Despite the outcry, Midwestern leaders remain committed to their plan. “There was a time when Illinois was necessary but not anymore,” said one official. “If we let Illinois continue to exist, who knows what other bad states might pop up? We’re just trying to protect the region.”