It’s finally March and you know what that means. March Madness. The harrowed tournament returns, sure to bring its fair share of epic buzzer beaters, heart wrenching upsets, and as expected, the normalized exploitation of young adults by the NCAA for roughly $900 million dollars. All seems as it should, and yet, as you crush your third bag of cheesy blasters, and you cry silently after losing your rent money betting on the wrong sports team, a silent killer creeps in from the backdrop.
“It’s quite alarming, actually,” Chicago area doctor Steven Hammerdyke told WNT. “It appears that March Madness is in fact an early indicator for April Alzheimers.” Hammerdyke, an expert in the field of neuroscience, has been conducting experiments on those affected by March Madness for the past decade.
“According to my research, March Madness is a condition brought on by the immense stress, and the liver-pickling alcohol abuse associated with high stakes sports games. At first, we hypothesized that it only would appear in populations with gambling habits and addictive personalities, but as it turns out, the disorder can affect just about anyone. Even further, it seems that MM can lead to April Alzheimers”
April Alzheimers is defined by the Merriam-Webster Medical Dictionary as a neurodegenerative disease that leads to a decline in cognitive function and memory loss. According to Hammerstein, the condition is the direct result of personality dissociation suffered by those who suck at filling out brackets.
“It’s a nasty ailment that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Wait, who are you?”