LA CROSSE, WI- Kwik Trip, the Wisconsin-based convenience store chain, has threatened to launch a full-scale nuclear attack if Buc-ee’s, the Texas-based convenience store chain, dares to move into Wisconsin.
According to sources close to the company, Kwik Trip is not happy about the prospect of having to compete with Buc-ee’s, which is known for its massive size and wide selection of snacks and beverages.
“Kwik Trip is the king of convenience stores in Wisconsin, and we won’t stand for any competition,” said a Kwik Trip spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous. “If Buc-ee’s tries to move in, we’ll unleash the full force of our nuclear arsenal on them.”
The spokesperson went on to say that Kwik Trip has been developing its nuclear capabilities for years, and is ready to use them if necessary.
“We’ve been stockpiling nuclear warheads in our underground bunkers, and we have the launch codes ready to go,” the spokesperson said. “If Buc-ee’s so much as thinks about setting foot in Wisconsin, we’ll turn their stores into smoldering piles of rubble.”
The threat has sent shockwaves throughout the convenience store industry, with many analysts questioning the wisdom of using nuclear weapons to protect market share.