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Kohl’s Cash Now The Preferred Currency Of Wisconsin Drug Dealers

MENOMONEE FALLS – The drugs are hard but times are harder for drug dealers across America. Between inflation, supply chain crises, and widespread labor shortages – the prices of everyday goods have skyrocketed. This in turn has made it harder for the public to pay for their fixes. 

Drug dealers have always resorted to unconventional payment options, but lately there are extenuating circumstances that give many pause. Daniel Weber, a pusherman based in Shorewood, says even sexual favors are off the table. “I got my Bivalent shot and all but there’s still Monkeypox. I’m not f**king with that right now,” says Weber. “In an effort to be more accommodating to my clients in this economy, I actually prefer Kohl’s Cash.”

Many other dealers have followed Weber’s lead – and they’re putting their Kohl’s Cash money where their dry mouths are. Many are putting those dollars back into their businesses by taking advantage of Kohl’s moderately priced home goods and clothing. 

Formerly squalid drug houses in Grafton have begun to transition into warm, cozy drug homes. Nicole Rodriguez, whose plug is located at the intersection of Washington and Cheyenne, says she really appreciates the updated aesthetic.”I used to sit on a couch that smelled like piss while I waited for Fat James to pack up my order, but they really leveled up,” says Rodriguez. “I really like the diffuser they put in the living room. I think it was vanilla bean last time, but since it’s Fall now, he put out Pumpkin Spice. It’s little touches like that that make me feel like he really cares about me as a customer.” 

Other dealers are revamping their image. Gone are the thick gold chains and baggy, layered clothes of yesterday. Today’s Wisconsin drug dealers are sporting Apt. 9 Premier Flex Performance Slim-Fit suit jackets, Haggar slacks, and dress loafers. “I never thought anyone would catch me dead in a loafer unless I was actually dead,” says Ricky Benson of Brown Deer. “They’re actually super comfortable. I can’t outrun the cops with them, but I still look like a G.”

Attorney General Josh Kaul says he hasn’t seen anything like this since the Kwik Trip Milk Moola drug trade of 2017. “We’re doing everything we can to stop drug dealers, but I guess we’re also pretty thrilled at how much they’ve done to stimulate the economy.”

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