FBI Keeps Close Eye as Radicalized Kwik Trip Cult Grows Larger

Kwik trip cult members entering the Kwik trip

QUANTICO, VA- The FBI has been keeping close tabs on a rapidly growing cult in the nation’s heartland. Much like the inside of a Kwik Trip the captivating “Kwik Trip Enthusiasts Club” is both impressive and disarming. Almost hypnotically so.

What started off as a small gathering of true believers has quickly grown into an online sensation. So much so to catch the attention of multiple government agencies. Speaking with who seemed to be the group’s de facto leader Pacerino, The Father, His Friendliness, Master of All The Glazers, has repeatedly stated that this is not a cult. “You must use your position in the media to spread the truth Kwik Trip is delivering through me.”

Though it may have the appearance of a cult, as a fellow enthusiast I can assure you, it’s very much not so. Just because we wear matching “See you next time” shirts, eat at Kwik Trip everyday and worship this gas station like a golden idol does not make us a cult.

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