Exclusive From Hell: Ed Gein Pretty Weirded Out By Jeffery Dahmer
HELL – Wisconsin News Today has taken extensive measures to access Hell, and we’ve been lucky enough to burn excessively and sit down with Ed Gein, a failed fashion entrepreneur from the 1950’s.
WNT: “Mr. Gein, thank you for your time.”
Gein: “Thanks for having me! Hey, you want this wallet I made out of Walt Disney’s testicle skin? $15.”
WNT: “No thanks, well, maybe. How ‘bout $10? Anyways, I wanted to start by asking if you regret anything you did during your life on Earth?”
Gein: “Not at all, you’d be surprised at how many prominent people still wear some of my designs. Hilary Clinton and Mitch McConnell still wear one of my faces every day!”
WNT: “Does Hell have any cliques within it?”
Gein: “Oh yeah, the dictators keep to themselves, and same with the celebrities that had teenage wives. Unfortunately, serial killers are lumped into one group too. So that means I’m stuck with, well, him.”
WNT: “Who would that be?”
Gein: “Fucking Dahmer, I’ll tell you what. I know I’ve done some weird shit, but when this guy showed up down here, shit got way freakier. He keeps dancing around the fire pit listening to Genesis, that’s all we can listen to down here, God damn Genesis. I woke up last night to Dahmer putting seasoning on my damn leg too. I only liked wearing people, and making ashtrays out of their bones, not friggin eating them, what the hell is wrong with this guy? He also cheats during our charades nights, the prick. I have to spend an entire eternity with this schmuck and it’s only been twenty-nine years, and if I kill him down here, the fucker just respawns right back in hell! Cunanan showed up three years later, and even that guy doesn’t bother me as much as Jeff. Andrew just never shuts the hell up. At least I can put my Airpods in to drown him out, but of course, all I can listen to is that damn Genesis!”
WNT: “Mr. Gein thank you for your time.”
Gein: “Hey thanks for your face!”
WNT: “ Wait, what?”
Gein: “What?”
Allen Chalmers reporting.
