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Henry Kissinger’s Top Five Booger Eating Moments

The recent passing of Western Civilization’s elder statesman, Henry Kissinger, will certainly be covering the front pages of all news media today. However, we at Wisconsin News Today wanted to remember the human side of the man who shaped the United States’ policies during the Cold War and beyond. So without further ado, here are Kissinger’s “Greatest Hits” of an illustrious career of chomping on snot rockets.

5.The Cuban Missile Crisis (1962)

It is erroneously believed that Kissinger began advising US Presidents with Richard Nixon, yet Kissinger was secretly pulling the strings in the Kennedy administration’s foreign policy. However, the German political theorist was nowhere to be found during the young president’s most trying moment. In an unpublished memoir, Kissinger admits he buckled under the pressure and spent the majority of October of ‘62 in a cabin in the Catskills subsisting on as many as 500 loogies a day.

4.Nixon’s Election Night (1968)

Often Misconstrued as a rather dour figure, many biographers have shed light on a lighter side of Kissinger’s personality. No anecdote exemplifies this better than the debauched celebration of the electoral victory of his close political ally Richard Nixon. As historian Maxwell Niemann recorded in his biography Green Gobblin’: The Life and Times of America’s Snottiest Political Genius, “Champagne was flowing and [Kissinger’s] nose was blowing.”

3.Kissinger Eats Mao Zedong’s Boogers (1972)

In one of Kissinger’s greatest diplomatic victories, he and Richard Nixon held a summit with Chinese Communist Party Chairman Mao Zedong, a monumental step towards normalizing relations between the two countries. One fact that has been scrubbed from most accounts, however, is that Zedong’s willingness to meet was predicated on either Kissinger or Nixon’s willingness to devour a bowl full of the chairman’s nose cheese, a challenge Kissinger gladly accepted, using chopsticks as per local custom.

2.Kissinger Delays Discussions on Yom Kippur War to Sneak Some Nose Candy (1973)

At 6 AM on November 6, 1973, Henry Kissinger was informed by Israeli officials about the onset of violence between Israel and its Arab neighbors. Prior to contacting the President, Kissinger abdicated his duties for up to 3 and a half hours to dig for a primo nostril diamond to satiate his savage hunger. He then rushed to awaken the Oval Office to spew hot bogey breath all over Richard Nixon’s jowly face.

1.Trade Conference in Brazil (1992)

It’s hard to focus on geopolitical economics on an empty stomach. That’s why Kissinger clearly learned to go into his most important engagements with a full nose in case he got a case of the tummy rumblies. This instance of the Nobel Prize winner was caught on camera in a pair of photos that are frankly Pulitzer Prize material in our eyes.

So there you have it. Five all time top Henry Kissinger booger eating moments. Certainly, a legacy well earned.

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