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Gov Evers Announces $10M For Emergency Well Expansion To Address Abortion Policy

MADISON, WI – Governor Tony Evers’ administration announced their plans to earmark $10 million in funds for the emergency expansion of wells throughout the state. The rush job has some officials concerned about the quality and safety of the planned construction.

Administration officials said in addition to loosening compliance standards for contractors to accommodate the pressing timeline, Evers has instructed the DNR to waive the traditional 30 day Well Construction Report requirement. 

The urgency of the matter is no doubt related to the statewide legal battle over abortion, which leaves expectant mothers in legislative limbo. Following the GOP’s request for a judge to dismiss Attorney General Josh Kaul’s lawsuit challenging the state’s 173 year old abortion ban, Democrats across Wisconsin have had to turn to alternative measures should they decide to exercise their right to choose. 

Local healthcare providers joined forces last week and petitioned the Evers administration to provide an alternative for godless jezebels who do not wish to parent a child or add to the already overburdened foster care system.

“Trained and regulated abortion doctors have allowed for the significant decline in pregnancy related injury. Recent legislative decisions will put us back in the era of back room abortions,” says Jon Swift, Executive Director of A Modest Disposal, a nonprofit clinic for women. Swift assured the crowd outside the Capitol building that the new well construction was critical for the health of Wisconsin Democrats capable of conception.  

“In the absence of safer options and a lack of foster home availability, we’ve asked Governor Evers to consider allowing women to dispose of infants in area wells. Baby Jessica fell down a Texas well in 1987. She turned out fine,” continued Swift. “If we want our children to grow up strong, we should let them crawl out of a well and fend for themselves. No feral children have ever settled for participation medals.”

Surprisingly, the proposal garnered bipartisan support. Representative Glenn Grothman, who had joined the crowd after enjoying several free sausage and egg bite samples at the Middleton Costco, took the stage to comment on the matter. 

“Our country is not going to survive if we continue this war on women. I’m not a cruel man. I love women. While I don’t believe in terminating a pregnancy, I can subscribe to tossing a newborn into a well,” said Grothman. “I believe it toughens them up, and I guess we can throw a few cheese curds or some Kwik Trip bacon egg and cheese rollers down there in case some of the runts don’t have the ability to crawl up before they get hangry.” 

Construction of wells in 70 of 72 counties is set to begin over the weekend. 

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