A series of new experiments point to the deadly disease being harmless in dreamland. This comes as a wave of relief to hospitalized patients in comas and other vegetative states brought on by the virus. “Thank God,” one Milwaukee resident responded to the news, “Meemaw has been choking on her respirator at night. It’s good to hear she’s safe and sound.” And she isn’t the only one jubilating.
“It’s really a relief”, said Freddy Krueger, the nightmare on elm street. “Practically none of these fuckers wear masks in their dreams, and with the amount of the bodily fluids I deal with on a daily basis, I was getting anxious. I’m glad to hear that I can go about my murders worry-free”
Despite this recent revelation, it remains unclear whether or not coronavirus can kill a person in real life. We reached out to Milwaukee area doctor Rachael McHale for her professional opinion. “Yes”, she stated. “Of course it can. There’s already been over 700,000 deaths worldwide.”
700,000? I’ve never seen anyone count that high. My personal best was 9,987 on a lonely weekend in, but 700,000? That would take months. And to pull it off without losing track and having to start over? Impossible. Something stinks, and it isn’t the shit in my comatose grandmother’s bedpan. Sure, McHale’s professional opinion might seem trustworthy on face, but I ain’t buying it. After all, it’s only an opinion, just like gravity is only a theory, and 5G “isn’t” mind control.
I did some research on her number of deaths claim, and was surprised to find that the number she gave aligned with the figure on the WHO’s website. This can only mean one thing; the WHO is in on the hoax. I refuse to pedal your lies, scientific community, no matter how credible, corroborated, observable, logical, believable, sensible, or peer-reviewed it may be.
So, it remains unclear as to whether coronavirus can kill you in real life. In the gilded age of disinformation, we may never know. For now, rest easy that the only thing that can kill you in your dreams is a blood thirsty serial killer.
—08/07/2020 K.K.
