A series of new experiments point to the deadly disease being harmless in dreamland. This comes as a wave of relief to hospitalized patients in comas and other vegetative states brought on by the virus. āThank God,ā one Milwaukee resident responded to the news, āMeemaw has been choking on her respirator at night. Itās good to hear sheās safe and sound.ā And she isnāt the only one jubilating.
āItās really a reliefā, said Freddy Krueger, the nightmare on elm street. āPractically none of these fuckers wear masks in their dreams, and with the amount of the bodily fluids I deal with on a daily basis, I was getting anxious. Iām glad to hear that I can go about my murders worry-freeā
Despite this recent revelation, it remains unclear whether or not coronavirus can kill a person in real life. We reached out to Milwaukee area doctor Rachael McHale for her professional opinion. āYesā, she stated. āOf course it can. Thereās already been over 700,000 deaths worldwide.ā
700,000? Iāve never seen anyone count that high. My personal best was 9,987 on a lonely weekend in, but 700,000? That would take months. And to pull it off without losing track and having to start over? Impossible. Something stinks, and it isnāt the shit in my comatose grandmotherās bedpan. Sure, McHaleās professional opinion might seem trustworthy on face, but I aināt buying it. After all, itās only an opinion, just like gravity is only a theory, and 5G āisnātā mind control.

I did some research on her number of deaths claim, and was surprised to find that the number she gave aligned with the figure on the WHOās website. This can only mean one thing; the WHO is in on the hoax. I refuse to pedal your lies, scientific community, no matter how credible, corroborated, observable, logical, believable, sensible, or peer-reviewed it may be.
So, it remains unclear as to whether coronavirus can kill you in real life. In the gilded age of disinformation, we may never know. For now, rest easy that the only thing that can kill you in your dreams is a blood thirsty serial killer.
ā08/07/2020 K.K.