Consuming Over 8 Spiders Per Year In Your Sleep Linked To Obesity

At this point, it’s common knowledge that the average human consumes 8 spiders per year in their sleep. This has been the case since the dawn of time, and will continue to be so until our alien overlords bestow us with the necessary technology to prevent it. What you may not know is that consumption exceeding 8 spiders per year is strongly linked to obesity.

Researchers at MIT conducted a study where volunteers were instructed to retain a normal sleep schedule. The control group was left alone so spiders could naturally make way into their face caves, while the other group was spoon fed additional spiders each night. As expected, the control group retained a normal BMI. However, the other group increased in weight. “Yeah, those guys got fat as fuck,” concluded head researcher, Don Peterson. “If you have an arachnid-heavy diet or live in an area where web to mouth traffic is abnormally high, we recommend you take additional steps to control your weight.”

As a preventative measure, the researchers suggest taking up jogging. In extreme cases, scientists suggest avoiding sleep altogether.