APPLETON, WI – Companies are being stretched beyond their means as the pandemic continues, leading to temporary business closures across the nation. “Help Wanted” signs are backordered from every major supplier. Despite that, some Wisconsin business groups have taken the matter into their own hands.
“Earlier this year we advocated recruiting military vets, the formerly incarcerated, hospice patients, and even utilized AI technologies,” says Fox Cities Chamber of Commerce president Leslie Ericksen. “Yet we still can’t keep our Kwik Trips open 24/7 right now, and frankly, if we can’t get a Big Buddy and a box of glazers at 3am, what are we even doing here?”
Acknowledging that unemployment is low, and demand for employees is high, Ericksen then announced a collaboration that some are calling “bizarre” and “likely a violation of human rights that CPS should be alerted to immediately.”
“We’ve created an unusual solution to this ongoing problem. Lending us their decades of experience in managing donations, effective immediately the Saint Vincent de Paul Societies of the Fox Valley area will begin taking child donations on behalf of the Chamber of Commerce,” said Ericksen. “Gone are the hazardous conditions of yesteryear that led to limiting child labor laws. The factories, restaurants, and offices of today are ready for the pint-size proletariat.”
To circumvent federal law, donated children who are deemed suitable for employment will not receive wages for their work – but rather they will be rationed episodes of Bluey and provided with 1 Gogurt per hour.
Most area parents are horrified by the concept. “Who would willingly give their toddler over to St. Vinnie’s?” asked Susan Kilborne of Waupaca, a mother of three with twins on the way. “I don’t know how a parent could look at their sweet baby and send them off to start trimming metal at Pierce Manufacturing. I don’t care how safe they say it is.”
Other parents think the idea is more promising. “Is it tax deductible,” wondered Marcia Pethan, an Oshkosh mother who seemed overjoyed that she just got double stars on her Starbucks order. “How many kids can I donate?”
Employers that wish to participate in the child employee project will have to undergo an inspection, ensuring the facilities have Disney+ and a Gogurt refrigerator at minimum.
Parents and expectant mothers can donate their children from 11am to 3pm every Thursday in the bins behind the St. Vinnie’s at 1924 W College Avenue in Appleton. More locations in the area will open availability in the coming weeks.