MILWAUKEE – If you have ever walked into a Kwik Trip and thought to yourself, “Damn, I could live here” – now you can, sort of.
Just a few weeks ago, students and alumni alike were devastated to learn that Cardinal Stritch University would be closing after 85 years. The Catholic liberal arts college initially cited unsustainable finances coupled with low enrollment as primary reasons for the decision.
This week, sources familiar with the situation revealed that there was much more at work than the public was led to believe. Gary Schenck, former chair of the English department, informed Wisconsin News Today that the true motivator for the university’s dissolution was a lucrative opportunity to sell off their land.
In a confidential memo obtained by the WNT Investigation Unit, Cardinal Stritch president Dan Scholz disclosed that upon the demolition of the campus Kwik Trip will break ground on the very first Kwik Resort.
“In November, the board was approached by an anonymous investor offering $250 million for the property,” said Schenck. “Initially they declined, but the investors upped the bid to $300, and then again to $450. They really, really wanted this property. We didn’t know it was Kwik Trip.”
“At first, many of us balked. If Jesus could resist the devil’s temptation, surely Cardinal Stritch could stave off the lure of unfathomable riches,” continued Schenck. “And, I mean, does Wisconsin need another beloved convenience store with impeccable bathrooms and decent pizza?” Schenck said.. “But then we saw the plans, and – man, it’s incredible.”
In their first foray into tourism and hospitality, Kwik Trip seeks to elevate their ol’ reliable brand into a luxury, premium experience. The sprawling campus will become home to 30 deluxe villas, a highrise hotel, and over 25 on-site resort amenities.
Families and budget conscious travelers can stay in one of 200 hotel rooms. Sources say the company has abandoned the “King” and “Queen” convention travelers are familiar with. Single and double rooms will become “Little Buddy” and “Big Buddy”, while suites will be referred to as “Mega Buddy”.
If you’re looking for a more secluded option where you can deep throat an entire sausage egg and cheese Tornado without fear of judgment, Kwik Villas are for you. Villas will be outfitted with up to four bathroom stalls, a truck stop shower, and a F’real machine. In lieu of kitchen facilities, Kwik Villas will also have their own “Hot Spot” – restocked daily with Rollerbites, rib sandwiches, and more.
As far as amenities, the resort will feature basic favorites like four heated pools, the Nature’s Touch spa, and a 24/7 Tobacco Outlet Plus. Among the other planned attractions will be daily Kwikery bakery tours; Urge Mountain, a high speed store brand rollercoaster; Take N Bake, a pizza parlor and Delta 9 dispensary; and a Lazy Gasoline River.
Construction is expected to be completed by Quarter 3 2024, with a grand opening tentatively set for September 25th.