As Mullet Outbreak Grips Milwaukee, Residents Fear Long Term Effects
MILWAUKEE, WI – First there was Coronavirus. Then, Monkeypox snuck up on us. The most recent plague to hit Cream City isn’t a medical concern, but an aesthetic one. “Mullet Fever” has reached Milwaukee and though you’d think an end would be in sight – someone turns around and there’s a long tuft of hair ensuring we all know the party is indeed in the back.
Over 1,400 mullets have been identified through contact tracing in Milwaukee alone. At this time, surrounding counties have not begun tracking the controversial look that says “I still request Freebird regardless of what concert, school recital, or family funeral for which I am in attendance.”
Perhaps sparked by the state’s newly crowned and gloriously-maned champion Emmitt Bailey of Menomonie, the sudden uptick in requests for mullets have area residents speculating on what could happen next.
Governor Tony Evers worries that upkeep will create a need that is disproportionate to the availability of barbers. “The GOP took a little off the top once again, simply refusing to let me impede the spread of the ape drape,” said an exhausted Evers. “I don’t want to be ‘that guy’ but we have to think of the impact Mullet Fever will have on area businesses, shampoo inventory, and even fertility.”
Evers was of course referring to the mullet’s unique ability to make cisgender women overcome with desire. Sharice Demott of Walker’s Point couldn’t agree more. “There’s just something about a man with a Kentucky waterfall that just gets me going,” said Sharice, biting her lip. “The movie Joe Dirt is practically pornography.”
Some fear a “Mullet Baby Boom” that the city’s infrastructure simply can’t support. “More babies means more resources are needed – Birth to 3 programs, Head Start, childcare. We barely have the means to staff our current programs,” says Charles Lee Ray, Executive Director of Child’s Play, a nonprofit children’s organization in St. Francis. “Not to mention how distracting it will be to have hundreds of rugrats crawling around with a Tennessee Tophat.”
At least one person is worried Wisconsin will get its own mullet nickname. “I can’t imagine raising my children in a state where the most beloved haircut is the ‘Wisconsin Rough Rider’ or something,” says Gene Morey of the Historic Third Ward. “Damn, that sounds pretty cool,” yelled a guy passing by who was sporting hockey hair as well. “Hey Dave! Let’s call it the Wisconsin Rough Rider!” Mr. Morey sighed.
Bailey, the winner of the 2022 Mullet Championship – Kid’s Division isn’t the only Wisconsinite to impress judges with enviable tresses. Cayden Kershaw and his beguiling mullet also placed first in the Teen Division.
If you or a loved one is experiencing the effects of Mullet Fever, contact the Department of Health Services at (608) 266-1865.
