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Amid Controversy, DNR Rushes “Wolf” Management Program

MADISON – Wisconsin DNR officials announced Friday evening that their long-awaited Wolf Management Plan would be released as early as September 15th, but some residents say it can’t come fast enough. The population of Wisconsin alpha males, sometimes self-referred to as wolves, has steadily increased over the past 23 years – the last time the DNR released a comprehensive plan. 

Utilizing population estimates based on the 2020 census and taking into account mating season – DNR estimates that there are approximately 2.8 million alpha males in Wisconsin, up 7.6% since 1999. Wolf hunting supporters argue an increase of 200,000 will have detrimental effects on local wildlife, natural resources, and ticket availability for the bands Disturbed and Trapt. 

Ten years after the plan’s last minor update, DNR invited the public to comment on the future of wolf management efforts at a recent town hall. Margaret Henderson, an 83 year old longtime resident of Waunakee, spoke up amid a chorus of boos. 

“In all my years I’ve never seen boys acting so fresh in my life,” said Henderson, searching for her grandson’s graduation picture. “My Derek used to be so sweet, look at him. He’s 26 now and all he cares about is not losing gains. He keeps telling me cauliflower mashed potatoes are straight fire, no cap, but all I want is for him to hug his nana after we get pie at Perkins. What happened to my sweet grandbaby?” 

Secretary Preston Cole chose his words carefully when addressing the crowd. “We’re not here to shut down Crossfit gyms. We’re not asking you to stop hunting or sturgeon spearing. No one is going to shrink your UnderArmor shirts out of spite when you drop off 30 pounds of sweaty gym clothes at the cleaners. We have no interest in making alpha males less alpha. We just really, really need you guys to tone it down a bit,” Cole continued. The crowd grumbled in response.

The state has quietly endured the effects of the dramatic alpha male population increase, but with recent threats to public sewer systems, the DNR was compelled to act. “An increase in alphas led to an increase in protein consumption. The stress it has put on our sewer systems has led to an emergency situation.”

Despite offering nearly double their initial starting wage, contractors are few and far between. The ones the state has been able to secure can barely keep up with demand. With 46% of the state’s sewer systems needing significant repair, some researchers fear that sink holes may be the next concern related to the uncontrolled alpha male population. 

“We need to act now, before the alpha males begin fighting amongst themselves and decimate their own population. There is a delicate balance to Wisconsin’s homeostasis,” said Secretary Cole, looking sternly at the crowd that had begun chuckling. “HOM-E-O-stasis. HOMEO.”

Residents who oppose the plan argue they’re happy to have a healthy amount of overly masculine energy around. “Real men used to wear suits, drink whiskey, and wolf whistle at ladies with reckless abandon. We didn’t worry about being Me Too-ed,” said Chuck Beeftower of Darboy. “Back in my day, we appreciated alpha males. Now they want to take our guns, our patriarchy, even our meat. Did you know the Burger King has plant-based meat now? Burger king, my ass. Thanks Tony Evers.” 

The management plan reportedly includes cognitive behavioral therapy, nutritional reprogramming, guided theta wave healing meditations, a Clockwork Orange-style viewing of Disney’s Turning Red, and a weekend quiche/lemonade cleanse. 

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