NEW JERSEY – Aaron Rodgers is determined to make a milestone comeback after last year’s quick exit from the NFL season. Rodgers was only involved in a few plays for the Jets, and only managed one long rushing play, where he carried the US Flag for a gain of 50 yards.
“I will not let the Hat Man get me again. I shared ayahuasca with a few of my teammates the night before. In doing so, I allowed my brother’s weak minds to fall prey to Hat Man’s powers. He infiltrated their minds like he did mine, all those years ago.”
“This was a fatal mistake on my end, one that I cannot make again. I recently put together a team of the brightest minds to ever study the entity. I have no doubt this distinguished group of experts will be able to protect me from my nemesis. They’ve even committed to staying awake all night because that’s also when his powers are strongest. I’m providing large amounts of cocaine to MetLife Stadium staff. Obviously Woody’s forking up the costs though. He wants a Super Bowl ring and this is how he gets it.”
When asked about the identities of Rodgers’ newly formed brain trust, he declined to comment due to the sensitivity of that information. “We can’t let my friend’s grandma’s basement be found by any means. He can’t find us down there. We need to stay hidden.”
One other Hat Man deterrent has already been implemented. Rodgers confirmed that Wyle Laboratories have completed the installation of their 30,000 watt mega speaker, capable of delivering 165dB of sound. This speaker’s only job will be to play Crazy Frog’s “Axel F” on repeat. Rodgers claims the brain trust has concluded that the Hat Man cannot stand that song and will leave the area immediately if heard. Rodgers however, loves that song and will now be able to hear it constantly before every play at MetLife Stadium. He calls this a “win-win situation.”
Allen Chalmers Reporting.